Past

Nanashi mode:

The cool breeze ruffled through gently, whispering mischeiviously as I walked through the crowded streets. Seriously, if looks cost, I would have been able to garner a few hundred dollars simply by walking down the streets in my clothes. Not that I feel very comfortable wearing it, but just plainly because I was lazy to change out it, hence, that was where I was, trudging along the streets, taken as a substitute for someone who had no date that day.

Seriously, I don't mind.

Throughout the year with everyone else, I have learnt to see far beyond into the future than just merely dwelling on the past. Yet, even as I look forward to the future, I can't help but turn back and stayed in the past. Though pictures of the past are fading away slowly but surely, something about it had me holding on firmly, ignoring all forms of logic that came with it.

I...live in the past, and hence, love the past.

I remembered the days when the same gentle breeze blew along, bringing soft scents of frangrance from the flowers and fruits. I remembered the days when the sky turned dark, flashes of lightning ahead, bringing on nothing but pure magnificient view as the clouds formed into shapes of tornados. I remembered the days when nothing except pure sadness could be felt, and yet, ther's was always a corner there for you to rely on, more often than none, a shoulder to cry on as well. I remembered...

Beautiful memories that will never come true...

I looked around me as I walked, looked at the world around me, looked at the person that I was accompanying...and sighed...Can I really call this person beside me my friend? Can I really trust this person with even my life? Though it is sad to admit, I must say, I...cannot.

Sometimes, I really wonder where 'we' are all floating to. Past that held our existence seemed to have faded away just as time itself, thus, showing reality that there no such thing as 'us'. Friends that we know in the past, though maintaining on their usual composure towards 'us', seemed only to worsen 'our' feelings within. As I looked on to the jokes and talks among people, I ask myself, why aren't you talking to them? Thus, I willed myself to speak, yet, all that I speak of, turns onto deaf ears. Though it hurts me to even bottle up everything inside, there's nothing more for me to even say about if no one is willing talk. Hence, I would rather keep to myself, rather shut up and start talking to Shinigami and the rest. However...how long am I suppose to keep this up while at the same time keep my sanity? I seriously doubt how I am suppose to even get through this year, let alone live...

There are times, when people tell me to speak, and those are the times which I am more often ruffled up instead. I don't blame them for feeling that I'm stuck-up and such, but it irks me to think that I am merely asked to speak, so as to contribute to what others are too lazy to even think about of. If the only use that I am is for the sake of people gaining from me, and me gaining nothing from them, then may I ask, what use am I being alive? People who call themselves my friends, ask yourself deep inside, each time you face me, are you truly speaking from your heart, hoping to have a conversation with me, or are you merely avioding and hoping that I get lost soon? If your choice is the second one, I rather that you step up and tell me in the face.

I, do not mind being a substitute for others, do not mind that you need my help for things, do not mind almost anything at all, if only you ask from the bottom of your heart. But no one does that nowadays, which is a sad and pathetic thing. In that case, which stance am I suppose to pick up now? The ever-ready subtituition for others, or the cold and emotionless being who doesn't care less?

I don't mind being an anti-social being, for I'm already living that way.

You people made me who I am...

It doesn't matter anymore...